Parenting_Discipline_files/discipline.doc

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“Children whose parents/teachers set limits in a calm, confident manner while staying connected, respectfully listening and supporting any consequent emotional release, grow up to:

Feel held, safe, guided and cared for, respect other people’s limits and boundaries, and become adults who calmly and confidently assert their limits and boundaries.” 

                                                                   -Genevieve Simperingham

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The experiences we have in our early years imprint in our brain and affect the way we learn, develop relationships, communicate and express ourselves.  Take an honest look at what experiences you are exposing your own child to, and consider what impact they may have on his or her future life.

Logic plus recent scientific research clearly show that using force or punishment on your child will fail in these ways:

  1. 1. It lowers their self-esteem and can affect brain development.

  2. 2. It causes children to become rebellious or compliant – either one is far from authentic self-expression.

  3. 3. It models the use of control, power and using force to solve problems. 

  4. 4. It diminishes their self-discipline and motivation.

  5. 5. It stops working and can even backfire as they grow older. They learn how to covertly or outwardly manipulate YOU and others.

So, imagine not having to use yelling, screaming, lectures, time-outs, spanking, groundings, rewards, or withdrawal of privileges — and on the other end of the spectrum, permissiveness.  Your child may do what you say for the moment, but they will be driven by fear of disapproval and separation.  Ask yourself:  “How do I feel when I am using any of these methods?” The parents I coach and interview usually state that they are left feeling frustrated, guilty, angry, or sad.  When the way you respond creates more tension for you and your child, then what you are doing is not working. 

Why do we feel the need to “teach them a lesson” or get them to do what we want them to do in this manner?  Here are a few reasons:

  1. •  We are parenting the way we were parented.

  2. •  Our society has modeled that this is the way to teach them, and we feel pressured and afraid to do anything different.

  3. •  We are feeling overwhelmed and don’t have support or tools to interact any other way.

When faced with a challenging situation, we are thrown into a state of survival  mode, which shows up as overwhelm and emotional stress. It increases your need to enforce discipline and act on your underlying need to separate and stop your child’s expression. You have to be open and regulated for communication to occur and parenting be effective. Even though you may believe you can’t take time to slow down and move out of survival mode for the moments you are interacting with your child, it is of the highest importance. Learn to take a minute …breathe, slow yourself down; there is no other way.

So, what do you do instead of discipline? What will really work??

It’s important to recognize the two major drives that motivate a child. The first is CONNECTION, and the second is CONTRIBUTION.  The more they experience these, the greater their sense of confidence. Building on these innate drives establishes a sense of safety and security within your child, and supported by your guidance, they can experience their own self-discipline.

Parenting coaching as well as group classes available. Please contact us for details.

  1. • Be realistic in your expectations

  2. • Be patient – slow down and BREATHE

  3. • Be confident (firm) and kind

  4. • Use humor and creative solutions

  5. • Model respect

  6. • Redirect actions as needed

  7. • Know your child – is he hungry, tired, over-stimulated, anxious, excited? 

  8. • Use authentic communication

  9. • Quickly repair any break in your connection

Handling challenging moments this way will build a foundation of connection, respect and responsibility between you and your child.

“It takes longer to argue or force than it does to stop, see through their eyes, use authentic communication, then start over ... allowing for a connected and empowered resolution.”

-- Kim Griffith, Parenting Coach

TIPS for Challenging Times:

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